How to respond when you’re publicly ‘othered’
I have a lot of non-black friends, one might say too many, but who’s counting. An occupational hazard of being surrounded by non-black people is that I often find myself being othered. I’ve gotten used to rolling my eyes and moving on with the conversation, but in an effort to practice self-love and be a better advocate for myself, I’m changing that. Having said that, calling out a friend in public is awkward, and it’s almost guaranteed to ruin the vibe of the hangout. So here are 3 simple responses I like to use when I’ve been othered or one of my personal boundaries has been crossed in a public setting.
“That’s actually a boundary for me”
This doesn’t have to be awkward. You can say it super casually and move right along. For example, you just get your hair done and some curious Becky says “ohmygod I’m LOVING this look,” and reaches out to touch it. You move your head away gently, say “hair touching is actually a boundary for me, but thanks for saying you like it,” and move right along to the next subject of conversation.
“I don’t think i’m gonna do that. Feel free to ask me why later”
I like to use this one anytime I start to feel like a circus freak in public. For example, I’ve gone by a nickname my whole life, and anytime someone catches wind of the fact that my real first name is long and difficult for them to pronounce, they have a field day. For some reason, white people always ask me to say my full name when I’m meeting their mom, as if i’m their well-trained monkey who has perfected this crowd-pleasing party trick. Needless to say, next time Sam is all “omg tell them your full name!” Feel free to pull out the line, “I think I’m gonna pass on doing that, you’re welcome to ask why later.”
“Why do you ask?”
This answer forces the person who othered you to confront their own racism, and you hardly have to do any work at all. Also, it’s kind of fun to play dumb and watch people fumble around for the least racist response they can find. For example, when Jill comes in hot with “omg, can you twerk?” You just meet her with “nah, why do you ask?” *Queue Jill’s panic response.* “Oh uh, uh, I thought I remembered you saying something about twerking…maybe I misheard you.” *Beads of sweat drip down Jill’s face.* And you slide in calmly with “yeah…you must have misheard me.” You crack open a cold one and move on with your night. Meanwhile Jill has quietly slipped off into the corner, popped ‘How to Be an Anti Racist’ into her Amazon cart, and is reminding herself of her charity work with the less fortunate. Jill may need a minute, she kind of feels attacked.
About Tomi (She/Her)
Hey! My name is Tomi, and I have a Communications degree from Mount Royal University. My goal is to live as honestly as possible, and as a result, put something new and beautiful into the world. I write about activism, intersectional justice, and the Black experience. I know nothing and question everything. Thanks for reading along!