A Black girl’s guide to surviving valentine's day in a pandemic. Featuring Femi Akinsanya

The greek word for self-love is philautia, pronounced phee-lav-te-ah. This is a love of self that is not to be confused with indulgence of narcissism. It is unconditional self-acceptance, strengthened by self-trust and knowledge of self. In honour of the month where we celebrate Black excellence and love, I want to extend that celebration to Black women revelling in self preservation and self care. Chatting with Calgary It Girl, Femi Akinsanya, I sought to understand: how can a Black girl practice self-care on Valentine’s Day and beyond.

Who is Femi Akinsanya?

I call myself a professional multitasker; my three passions are fashion, sexual and gender-based violence support and advocacy, and healthcare. Because of my mom and the love of fashion she has instilled in me, I am launching a virtual consignment store with my sister called “Emi’s Closet”. Our focus is going to be mainly on the resale and repurposing of various African traditional clothing, but we are as well going to be a general fashion consignment store. 

My personal experiences coupled with my love of medicine (specifically women’s and minority health) propelled me to approach Calgary Communities Against Sexual Assault (CCASA) to create an initiative directly for Black people in Calgary. This initiative speaks to the specific barriers and concerns which Black people face regarding sexual and gender-based violence support, education, and accessing resources. In collaboration CCASA I hope to create a continuous and community lead initiative that as well brings in the expertise of Black professionals and leaders. I look forward to continuing to collaborate with CCASA and bring this initiative to Calgary. Right now, I am still in healthcare, returning to medicine is still in the cards for me!  

What do you love about yourself? 

What I love about myself is my ability to self-regulate, my dynamic nature, and my resilience. 

Who taught you to love yourself?

My mom is a very stylish and elegant woman, so seeing her dress up was normalized in my childhood. Every occasion was an occasion for my mom to be elegant and turn heads, even just a regular trip to the grocery store. When I was younger, I just wanted my mom to dress “normal”, like every white- Canadian mom I would see. But as I got older, wiser, and more in-tune with my beauty as a Black woman I have grown a deep and profound appreciation for what my mom instilled in me. She has not only influenced my fashion sense and femininity, but she was the first person to show me that Black is beautiful, magnificent, divine! That I am not meant to blend into this white-washed world, but I was literally created to stand out like a prized gem. That’s why my skin is so rich with melanin and that’s why I come from such a radiant culture and people. 

How is this Valentine’s Day, in lockdown, different from some of your past experiences?

I spent my Valentine’s weekend in 2020 in a situationship ( I HATE that phrase) with a man I was seeing.  It was so unplanned; we met at a Starbucks on February 13, 2020, like we were on set of a romantic comedy. I had such high hopes for us. He literally ticked off everything on my checklist, which is hard to find in a Black man living in Calgary. He wasn’t ready to commit because he had a TERRIBLE breakup in summer 2019. I was not going to beg a man to commit, especially when he has so much healing to do individually. Needless to say, I was still heartbroken entering lockdown. 

How has lockdown affected your relationship with yourself?

It has tested my singleness to the highest extent. I’ve had so much time to reflect. Being single in a lockdown gives you a lot of “you” time. I have dated here and there, but as cliche as it sounds, the most important person I have dated during this lockdown is me. It’s been hard, sometimes (a lot of times). I long for the touch and companionship of a man, but this time alone has truly affirmed how sexy, full and capable I am. Through meditation, art, dance, music and long walks with no destination, I have realized that I can choose loneliness or solitude. It is not a condition of external circumstances, like being single in a lockdown, but how I choose to love myself, be with myself, know myself and affirm myself every day. 

How are you celebrating Valentine’s Day this year?

I am spending this Valentine’s Day with my ladies at a Zoom party! [We’re going to] pour some bubbly, get cute and just enjoy sisterhood.

What are you looking forward to doing when the world opens up? 

My love languages are quality time and physical touch, so I can’t wait to get back to fully expressing and receiving love. I look forward to passionate lovemaking and romance with my future partner.

Describe your perfect day of self-care.

A perfect self-care day for me would start with music. My favourite genres to set the mood for the day is soca, afrobeat, R&B, or some neo-soul -- some high-vibrational sonical healing. Then start my meditation. I love chakra meditation accompanied with sound healing. Next is some stretching or brief yoga to get the blood flowing, followed by my affirmation and prayer journal. After that I dance, twerk, and just vibe to more music. The rest of the day would include painting, skincare (head to toe), long walks, more music, good food and drinks. That’s really my perfect self-care day!

If Femi has taught us anything about self-care, it’s this: stay away from situationships, be all parts of you unapologetically and, whether you are single or not, date yourself. That can feel like an impossible task in the days of filters, misogynoir and pseudo therapists like Kevin Samuels calling women “average at best”,  but in the words of our sis Gabrielle Union, “if you prioritize yourself, you will save yourself.” And the next time you hear someone put down a Black woman for having high standards please remind them, she is not a diva, she just practices philautia. As she should!