When I think about what it means to be a Black woman in the 21st century, there are endless possibilities and definitions. Black women are multi-faceted, complex and resilient. Mainstream media has trained society to absorb trauma narratives about Black women, making us believe many lies about Black women’s bodies and our sense of self. To counteract those narratives, I spoke with three Black women from different cultural and ethnic backgrounds (Djeedjee Turenne, Abena Oteng and Sally Njoroge) to discuss the complexity, diversity, beauty and most importantly JOY that comes with being and living as a Black woman today. In sharing space and community with Black women, I wanted to remind us and everybody else that Black women don't got to be for everybody – they can simply be for themselves.
Oftentimes, growing up as Black girls we are bombarded with negative messaging about our bodies, hair and self-image. Thinking back to your younger self, what were some of the social and cultural messages you internalized as a young Black girl?
Djeedjee Turenne, Haitian-Canadian: My hips make whatever I wear look “sexy.” In the white town I lived in, I was either “ugly” or “pretty for a Black girl.” My body was either praised and lusted after or it was hated and a source of jealousy…I remember straightening my hair, praying to God for lighter skin and a different body. It is confusing to be reminded that you’re not the standard of beauty, yet, still be subject of fetishization. How can a young Black girl preserve her innocence? How is it being conveyed that she is not at fault? This is the predicament.
Abena Oteng, Ghanaian-Canadian: Growing up, there was always talk about being skinny and slim. The aunties always got together to talk about new diets and their appearance. That left an impact on me as I started dieting and waist training early. Also, the “beauty is pain” motto would repeat in my brain as I sat and got my hair tightly braided. The people around me acknowledged the pain but wanted me to become tough and to suck it up because the end result of my appearance would be worth it.
Sally Njoroge, Kenyan: Part of my life I grew up in Kenya, it was when I moved to Canada that I started to notice these difficult messages. It was odd to me that whenever there was a Black character in an American show, most often, they were mixed raced. It really bothered me, and still does, that an “acceptable” form of Blackness has to be lighter-skinned. This made me feel self-conscious at times, more specifically, when I moved to Calgary and in my first year of junior High School, I was 1 of 6 Black kids.
Part of Black womanhood is learning how to make and be your own kind of beautiful. What was your first memory of realizing your beauty?
Djeedjee: I don’t have any recollections of when I first realized I was beautiful. I was brought up constantly being told I was beautiful and took it for granted. Though, the first time I thought I was ugly was in grade school, where I was bullied, called names and treated differently for being Black. In high school, I reclaimed the magnitude and the validity of my Black beauty; I began embracing my ethnic name, shaved my head, dabbled with headwraps and started being okay with wearing colours which accentuated my skin. Being beautiful is simply and entirely being confident in yourself.
Abena: This is extremely tough because I see self-love and appreciation as more of a journey than a single destination. But if I could pick one time, I would say the time I went to Los Angeles on a solo trip. My skin was glowing from the bright sun and there were so many other people that looked just like me! I just felt good inside and out, and I was like, “Damn, I look cute!”.
Sally: Hm, good question. I’m not really sure how to answer this because I think everything happens in phases. There are moments when I think “Damn girl, you fine” and other times where I am like “meh.” But what gets me through the “meh” phases is knowing that I have more to offer than just my physical beauty. I truly live by the understanding that physical beauty will fade… I guess it’s more the youth standard of beauty, so I work hard to make sure I don’t tie my worth to it. I do love getting my hair done though, that always makes me feel great!
When people go through times of distress and change, they often turn to their friends and family for support, but often for Black women there’s a deeper sense of community among us. Why do you think Black sisterhood is important?
Djeedjee: The experience of Black women in a colonized and patriarchal society is unique. We are both Black and women – the daily survivors of anti-Black racism and sexism. The archetypal Black woman is strong, despite the world around her trying to break her and wanting to see her stay down. Black sisterhood is important in creating safe spaces where we are allowed to truly be vulnerable, bringing our walls and guards down. We do not fear for our experiences to be questioned, our feelings minimized, dismissed or misconstrued as anger. Black women show up and uplift each other in a way that is necessary and incomparable.
Abena: Black sisterhood is VITAL because no one can relate to the oppression that we have to deal with. The intersection of gender and race is truly so dynamic. When we suffer, we realize that others around us who don't look like us won't always be the ideal people to go to. In those times, it is nice to seek out another Black woman to be a supportive friend to you. I feel this special protection and acknowledgment when I am amongst my Black sisters.
Sally: Black sisterhood can be a lifeline! I have learned to take these relationships seriously because of my mother and my grandmother. They’ve taught me about the importance of having trusted women all around me, ones I can confide in and lean on. I know I can’t go through this life alone and being able to tap into the knowledge provided by a healthy sisterhood really helps keep my head afloat in this crazy beautiful life.
Throughout your life, are there any stand-out life lessons you remember learning from other Black women?
Djeedjee: The influential Black women in my life have been reliable sources of wisdom, hope and direction. Notably, I would not be the woman I am today without my mother and her mother. They have played active roles in instilling within me my core values and beliefs. The greatest life lesson that they have imparted is trusting God to guide and use me. My faith continues to teach me about patience, gratitude, humility and the healing properties of forgiveness and grace. It pushes me to be the best Black woman that I can be for myself and those around me.
Abena: Black women have taught me so much, but one impactful lesson was to build self-confidence because this world can be cruel and competitive and won't always help build you up. Walk into rooms saying if this opportunity is meant for anyone, why not me!
Sally: Many! One that really stands out is when my grandmother told me “Speak your mind so people are not confused about where you stand.” This came from a conversation about romantic relationships, but I think it works for most situations. It’s a quote that really sums up the importance of knowing yourself and setting boundaries.
Finding moments of joy in life, especially in the world we live in, is crucial for mental and physical health. What makes you feel joyful as a Black woman?
Djeedjee: What makes me feel joyful as a Black woman is honoring my heritage while being an experiential empath. I am able to feel connected to the people, history, music, language, traditions, nature and food around me in a way that is almost spiritual. Something that I enjoy that really brings me peace of mind, is cooking. The ingredients, flavours and techniques that I use, tell the story of who I am, where I come from and where I want to be. I love the challenge of balancing authenticity and conscientiousness while I veganize a lot of Afro-Latino dishes I grew up on.
Abena: The ‘Black Woman Luxury’ movement makes me feel a lot of joy because it showcases women treating themselves the way they deserve. Whether it be a solo trip or a warm bath on a Sunday, I love seeing Black women being treated like the queens they are. The media often doesn't let us have narratives of enjoyment.
Sally: Everything art! I love to explore different ways to express myself through artistic mediums. Here are my top favourites: DJing, writing, performing Spoken Word poetry, collaging and photography. I love getting lost in these elements, they bring so much peace, release and ultimately joy.
Lastly, if you could give advice to other Black women out there about loving themselves and finding joy what would you say?
Djeedjee: Queen, accept EVERY single part of yourself as you are. Surround yourself with positive people that ground and push you. Protect and nurture that heart of yours, [and know that] the truest joy that you are seeking is right inside of you. It’s waiting to be discovered and explored by you. Please, get to know yourself. Embrace being alone! Sit with yourself, speak life and love into yourself, do what makes YOU happy and try new things. Joy starts when you are unapologetically choosing to be all that you are and want to be, despite all the fears, negativities, expectations or stereotypes.
Abena: My number one [piece of] advice would be to prioritize understanding yourself. Know your boundaries, expectations and what makes you truly happy and don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise. If someone tells you your standards are too high take a quick second to hear them out and evaluate but do not bend on your non-negotiables. These are just a list of things you won't sway on because they are intrinsically meaningful to you. Know yourself and walk around with true confidence.
Sally: I actually got this advice from my dad when I was younger and going through a hard time. He told me, “Go find some interests!” – that’s how I discovered I don’t only love to consume art but I also love being part of it and creating art. So, let your curiosity lead you and go out there and find some interests!
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.